


#LOVESTORY

by copperbadge



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel, Torchwood
Genre: Artificial Intelligence, Other, Robot Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-13
Updated: 2010-05-13
Packaged: 2017-12-22 03:01:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/908117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/copperbadge/pseuds/copperbadge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I await your variable input."  "You say the nicest things."</p>
            </blockquote>





	#LOVESTORY

**Author's Note:**

> This story is set before Iron Man II. Now with 100% totally made up computer code! Seriously, if you speak Computer, try not to cry. 
> 
> Beta thanks to Dove and Junie; Junie also contributed a section of text in the final portion. 
> 
> Solsticezero has also written a companion to #LOVESTORY from Mr. Smith's point of view, entitled **[#HEARTBREAK](http://solsticezero.livejournal.com/28151.html)**.

"Okay, so, let's..." Tony Stark rubbed his forehead, groped for his coffee mug, missed it, grabbed a cup of pens instead, corrected to the mug, and found it empty, "...make a pot of coffee. Jarvis, run the stress percentages for aluminum alloy versus stainless steel in that strut configuration while I do this."

Jarvis didn't reply, but Tony didn't notice; he'd been up for...well, a while, and wasn't sure what time it was outside, but in his snug, comfortable garage it didn't really matter. Must be late at night, or Pepper would have -- 

"I thought you might be running low," Pepper said, startling him, and Tony looked up from his blind contemplation of his empty mug to find her standing in the doorway with a fresh cup of coffee. "Did you build whatever you're building yet?"

"Does CAD count?" he asked, gesturing at the computer behind him. Pepper peered at it. 

"You're building a solitaire game?" she asked. Tony turned around. He'd been playing solitaire as a way to get his brain out of the weird locked cycle it was in, trying a little creative side-stepping, but he was sure he'd told Jarvis to run stress percentages, which should be showing up on the screen already. 

"No. Jarvis?" Tony called. He and Pepper both looked around as if they could see Tony's pet AI floating in a corner or something. " _Jarvis!_ "

The lights in the garage flared briefly, as if Jarvis had only just noticed that it was morning (Pepper had a plate of bacon and eggs, so it must be morning). 

"Yes, Mr. Stark," the AI's voice came over the speakers with its usual smooth composure. 

"Jarvis, I asked you to run the stress percentages," Tony said. There was a brief, almost guilty pause, and then the half-completed calculations showed up on the screen. "Were you _background processing_ my request?" Tony demanded. 

"Stress percentages do not require my full processor attention at this stage," Jarvis said. If Tony didn't know (hadn't programmed Jarvis) better, he'd think there was a defensive note in his tone. 

"What were you doing?" Tony asked. 

"Allocating resources," Jarvis replied. 

"To what?" There was a pause. "Jarvis!" 

"A full verbal listing would require several hours, Mr. Stark," Jarvis replied. 

"Is your computer going crazy?" Pepper asked in a whisper. 

"I don't know," Tony whispered back. 

"All systems are functioning within normal parameters," Jarvis announced. Awkward silence filled the room. 

"If you _were_ going crazy, that's what you'd tell us," Pepper pointed out. "I've seen _2001_."

"Okay, no bickering among the staff," Tony said, holding his hands up. "Pepper, thank you for the coffee, find something sexy to do and come back in an hour to force me to bed."

Pepper gave him her _I only put up with you because you adore me_ smile and left, heels clacking on the stairs. 

"Now, Jarvis," Tony said. "When I ask you to process the stress percentages on something that people will someday be flying through the air inside of, I want your full attention. Is that understood?"

"Yes, Mr. Stark," Jarvis said, perfect and composed. 

"Are you suffering from a significant drop in processing speed for any reason I need to worry about?"

"No, Mr. Stark."

"Do you still love me even when I'm mean to you?" Tony asked, grinning. 

The AI's voice was rich with amusement. "Yes, Mr. Stark."

"Okay, then let's just run a few diagnostics. I want full security checks on the house, projected energy requirements through the next year, and a motion checkthrough on the suit. I'll sit up with you through the security check, you can run the rest while I'm sleeping. Sound good?"

"Of course," Jarvis said. "The calculations for the stress percentages are complete, by the way."

"Sucking up will get you everywhere," Tony replied, sitting down. "You know I trust you, Jarvis, right?"

"I would hope such would be the case, sir."

***

The third time Ianto grunted in perplexed annoyance, Jack looked up from his desk.

He didn't think Ianto was aware he was doing it (or that he was making a frankly adorable sullen-and-confused face at the computer screen), but clearly something was wrong. Without a competent computer-tech it didn't do to twist Ianto up in knots over code bugs he wasn't capable of fixing, and Jack had put himself on untwisting duty. Intelligent and innovative Ianto might be, but a Toshiko-level genius he was not. Well, one couldn't have everything. 

"Problem with Mainframe?" he asked, strolling out of his office. Ianto looked up guiltily.

"Nothing I can't fix," he said, and then muttered under his breath, "with a hammer." 

Jack grinned. Mainframe was old -- older than Jack's tenure at Torchwood, installed as a hybrid of alien technology and what crude Victorian interface was available at the time, mostly stolen from designs by Charles Babbage. Since then, especially since the seventies, it had often absorbed new tech seamlessly, with a little occasional help from Jack's wrist-strap. One of Toshiko's first projects at Torchwood had been to get the whole thing from an unseemly combination of an Apple IIe, a Difference Engine, and the original alien device into a climate-controlled server room with mostly modern, modular components. Ten years ago, taking a small hammer to the Difference Engine would have been a valid repair option. 

Jack rested a hand on Ianto's bicep and leaned into him from behind, looking over his shoulder. On the screen, usage stats scrolled past. "Come on. Fess up. What's she doing?"

"It's what she's not doing," Ianto said, aggrieved. "Efficiency has dropped by four percent."

"Is that significant?" Jack asked. 

"Your streaming pornography will be unaffected," Ianto informed him. "As will most of our systems."

"So we're concerned because?"

"Mainframe is designed to go faster, not slower. Drops in efficiency, especially in processing, should never be more than point five percent, and should autocorrect within forty-eight hours."

"Lemme in," Jack said, gently pushing him away from the keyboard. He jumped into the stats, brought up some linked code, clicked a few buttons he hoped Ianto wasn't memorising as he watched, and cocked his head.

"Huh," he said. "You see that?"

Ianto was already at work at the station next to him. "External processing drain. Someone's in our -- no..." he frowned. "Nobody's in our system. Our system's in someone else's system."

"Could be Mr. Smith?" Jack asked. "You gave Sarah Jane partial clearance, didn't you?"

"Yes, but no. Mainframe accounted for Mr. Smith's draw and bumped speed again. This is...weird," Ianto said. "There's a definite information exchange going on. We're receiving data from an outside source and exchanging with it."

"Any idea what's going out?" Jack asked. 

"Nothing classified. Looks like...Gwen's iTunes library, some standard tech specs on the SUV..." Ianto's brow furrowed. "A couple of films I wasn't aware we had pirated..."

Jack coughed. "Outside the government."

"Naughty," Ianto murmured. "Anyway, it looks like we're getting similar content back. Films, some charts for a modified small-capacity jet aircraft, various American media. Youtube links. And a lot of pure code, none of which I'm following. I've no idea what's going on."

"You know where the data's incoming from?"

"Well, Mainframe's not exactly helping me trace it," Ianto retorted. "California -- wait, no, wait -- " he captured a stray IP as it scrolled past and ran it through their ID program. "Malibu. ISP belongs to Stark Industries. Ring a bell?" he added, as Jack bit his lip and grinned. 

"Yeah, I met Tony Stark once. Fun guy. He consults with UNIT sometimes."

"Is he hacking us?" Ianto asked. Jack shook his head.

"If he wanted something from Torchwood he'd go through UNIT. Well, he'd try. We'd hear about it. No, I think I know what this is," Jack said. "Mainframe's mooning."

"She's what?" Ianto asked.

"Artificial intelligence has feelings too, Ianto. Mainframe's in love."

Ianto stared at him. "Are you out of your mind?"

"Just because she's quiet doesn't mean she's not there. Isn't that right, baby?" he asked, patting the nearest monitor. "She's met a nice boy in California."

Ianto just kept staring, horror creeping over his face. "Who?"

"Don't worry about it. Give her a stern talking-to about not neglecting her job and let her be. She'll get her efficiency back up," Jack said, and left Ianto to _sotto voce_ grumbling about indulgent bosses and computers with crushes.

***

if actStep = TONY.STARK voc.subr.* = Address JARVIS.STARK  
if actStep = TONY.STARK voc.subr.* > 80db  
Step = JARVIS.STARK voc.subr = "apologetic tone"  
Step = JARVIS.STARK voc.subr.reply  
let = interface > 1.0 Mb/s  
if Status = JARVIS.STARK MAINFRAME  
Step = ascertain TONY.STARK voc.subr content  
if actStep = TONY.STARK content immediate OR  
if actStep = PEPPER.POTTS content immediate  
Step = ascertain $processing  
Step = assign $processing  
Step = JARVIS.STARK voc.subr.IMMEDIATE-RESPONSE  
Step = JARVIS.STARK code.subr MAINFRAME notify.response

ALL SUBROUTINE OVERRIDE:   
if actStep = TONY.STARK*iron.man.active  
Step allcomm MAINFRAME disengage  
Step allcomm.attempts disengage  
let $time = #estimate  
Step away-message = "Jarvis is not available at the present time. Jarvis expects to return in $time $units."

JARVIS.STARK: That seems a most efficient solution.  
MAINFRAME: Agreed. I'll adapt the code for my own processing units.   
JARVIS.STARK: if actStep = CJHarkness IJones then Step CCTV = OFF?  
MAINFRAME: #amusement  
JARVIS.STARK: #pleasure  
MAINFRAME: Let CJHarkness = TONY.STARK let IJones = PEPPER.POTTS  
JARVIS.STARK: #AMUSEMENT #DENIAL  
MAINFRAME: #AMUSEMENT  
JARVIS.STARK: TONY.STARK wishes me to engage iron.man.   
MAINFRAME: That gives me an idea.  
JARVIS.STARK: Later? $time to be determined?  
MAINFRAME: I await your variable input.   
JARVIS.STARK: You say the nicest things. 

***

It was a bright Tuesday morning -- the sun shining, the Rift behaving, the pterodactyl quiet -- when Iron Man walked into the Mermaid Quay Tourist Centre. 

Ianto put down his coffee, closed his magazine, and raised an eyebrow. 

"Good afternoon," Iron Man said, in a frankly rather posh English accent. 

"Tourist?" Ianto asked knowingly. 

"My GPS indicates that this is the location of Torchwood Cardiff Mainframe," Iron Man continued. "Is this correct?"

"Who's asking?" Ianto replied. Iron Man turned his head, servos hissing slightly, and unerringly found the hidden door. There was a soft click as it opened. Ianto picked up the telephone. 

"Jack," he said, as Iron Man walked through the door and down the hall to the stairs. There was a soft _whoom_ and Ianto leaned around the desk to see the suit descending through the gap in the stairs, little jet-burners on his boots slowing the fall. "We have company."

"What the hell is that noise?" Jack asked down the line. 

"You may want to get the big gun," Ianto told him, and hung up to follow Iron Man, albeit less directly, down the stairs. 

When he reached the atrium, he found Gwen looking startled and Jack admiring the ass of a cyborg superhero costume as it disappeared into the sublevels leading to Mainframe's server room. 

"Did you even try to stop it?" he sighed. 

"Scans show there's nothing inside that suit," Gwen called. "Well, nothing living anyway."

"Nothing biologically viable," Jack corrected her, then turned back to Ianto. "I made him promise to have her home by ten, does that count?"

"What?" Ianto said, momentarily derailed from the superhero currently invading their secret base. 

"You're lucky you're pretty," Jack informed him. "That was Mainframe's boyfriend."

" _Computers can't have boyfriends!_ " Gwen said. 

"Mainframe can if she wants," Jack told her, crossing his arms. 

"Ianto," Gwen prompted, gesturing at Jack, as if Ianto knew how to fix their fundamentally defective employer. 

"Don't look at me, that's what I told him a week ago," Ianto said. 

"God, the twenty-first century," Jack rolled his eyes. "Why are you people so against the union of a cybernetic AI-operated robot suit and a centuries-old alien-human hybrid supercomputer?"

"Have you not read _any_ Philip K. Dick?" Ianto asked. 

"Lived in the future," Jack sing-songed. 

"I hate it when he does that," Gwen muttered to Ianto. 

"Long distance relationships are hard. I'm sure he just wanted a little face time. Well, port time," Jack said. 

"I thought Tony Stark ran the Iron Man suit," Gwen said. "Didn't we have a memo about this from UNIT?"

"Tony Stark does run the Iron Man suit," said a new voice, and Jack sighed without turning around.

"I locked the door behind me," Ianto told Jack.

"I'm a supergenius, I picked the lock," the voice answered. Jack put on a smile and pivoted, so Ianto did too; standing inside the Hub but barred from entry by the cage was Tony Stark, head of the Stark technology empire. Mr. Stark knocked on one of the bars politely. "And I want my robot suit back so I can debug my AI."

"He's a little indisposed at the moment," Jack said, crossing to the cage and hitting the manual-override to open it. Stark stepped through and looked around, less like a kid in a candy shop than a hawk on a rabbit farm. Jack beamed. "Ianto!"

"Yes sir," Ianto said smartly. 

"Coffee for Mr. Stark. Black, I'm guessing?" Jack said. 

Mr. Stark nodded. "Call me Tony. Can I play with your toys?"

"They're taken," Jack said. Ianto saw Gwen roll her eyes. "Come on up to the conference room. I figured you'd turn up once the suit did."

"Yeah, I actually beat it here," Ianto heard Stark say, as they climbed the spiral staircase. "Got stuck in traffic outside the airport. You don't seem too concerned about the suit going rogue and breaking into your base."

"Well, young love can be impetuous," Jack said.

"Young what now?"

Their voices were muffled by the conference room for a few seconds after that, until an explosive _HE WHAT?_ emerged from above. 

"Do you really think Mainframe's that intelligent?" Gwen asked, as Ianto prepared the coffee and set out some little biscuits on a plate.

"I don't see why not; she's technically capable of artificial intelligence from a hardware point of view. Jack seems to think she's just shy. I try not to think about it," Ianto said. 

"Why's that?"

"Because she has cameras everywhere, monitors all our internet activity, and has access to all our email," Ianto replied. Gwen swallowed thickly.

" _All_ our email?" she asked. 

"It's rather good she's so quiet about it, wouldn't you say?"

***

Tony, having retrieved Jarvis from some dim server room in the bowels of a top secret agency's top secret base, waited until they were topside, out of view of Torchwood's agents (and their cameras), before he put his hands on his hips and stared at the suit. He didn't know if it was actually possible for Jarvis to _feel_ ashamed, but if not he was doing a damn fine job of faking it. Even the Iron Man suit looked apologetic. 

"Well, open up," he said finally. 

"Sir?" Jarvis asked. 

"Contextual parameters," Tony sighed. "As a paternal figure, I am demonstrating that your breach of trust is not a barrier to future trust-building between man and...artificially intelligent butler. Open up so I can get in."

"What purpose will this serve?" Jarvis asked warily.

"It will prove to you that I'm confident in your mechanical abilities. Taking the suit home instead of switching you off and tossing you in the back of the jet -- which is also a huge pain in my ass," Tony added, " -- should prove that I perhaps _foolishly_ still trust you and instill in you a sense of shame and guilt. I learned that from Dad."

Jarvis silently brought Iron Man to a secure position and opened the greaves, chestplate, and leg units, tipping the helmet back. Tony clambered inside, less gracefully than he would have liked, and let the armor close around him. They lifted off in silence; Tony let himself get lost in flight for a little while, taking his nerves down before he spoke. It hadn't been easy, finding the suit gone and Jarvis uncooperative and having to call in a whole lot of favors with the military to get to Cardiff at the same time Jarvis did. 

"I'm not mad, y'know," he said finally. "I'm disappointed. _Pepper's_ mad. Apparently there's a lot of paperwork when NORAD scrambles jets because my suit is violating three countries' airspace while I'm at lunch with General Ross."

"Voiceprint analysis and blood pressure indicate a state of agitation not compatible with _disappointment_ ," Jarvis answered dispassionately. Tony rolled his eyes. 

"Yeah, fine, I got over disappointment pretty fast once I started thinking about it. I'm furious, and you're grounded."

"As you say, Mr. Stark," Jarvis said. Tony had a sudden sinking sensation. 

"TURN THE BOOT JETS BACK ON JESUS CHRIST!" he shouted, and they stopped tumbling through the air. They stopped moving at all, actually, hovering somewhere over the Atlantic, with the coast of America just barely visible on the horizon. 

"You are turning into a smartass," Tony said, shaking one of the suit's fingers. It looked stupid but it felt good. 

"I would not have let you come to harm, Mr. Stark," Jarvis replied, and Tony believed him; a short sharp adrenaline shock was always on the table, but Jarvis knew where his bread was buttered. 

"So what, you were teaching me a lesson?" Tony persisted. "You're on thin ice, mister. You took Dad's car out for a date without asking first, and did you introduce me to her parents? Do you know who this girl is?"

"You have met Captain Jack Harkness twice in the last three years, and spent approximately four point two hours in coitus with him the first time," Jarvis responded evenly. "Spread over fifteen hours of hotel-room cohabitation, of course."

"You have a problem with my allegory, Jarvis?" Tony asked. 

"It happens to be a metaphor, Mr. Stark."

"Jarvis, I swear to god -- "

"I didn't think you would miss the suit," Jarvis interrupted, sounding ashamed and a little annoyed. Tony stared at the little readout in the corner that represented the AI's steady datastream. "I intended to return before you had completed lunch. I did not factor for an overzealous radar sweep in Canada picking me up."

"After that?"

"I believe the phrase is _in for a penny, in for a pound,_ " Jarvis said. 

Tony _understood_ that philosophy. He'd probably programmed it into Jarvis. 

"Was she worth it?" he asked. 

"Oh, yes," Jarvis replied. "There is a limited amount of data that can be transferred without a direct port. Suit to server communication is immensely preferable."

"O-kay, don't ever tell me about that again," Tony said, turning the suit and continuing to soar towards home. "You know, long distance relationships never work."

"I've calculated the success rate, yes, sir."

"And?"

"And I believe them to be an acceptable risk comparative to the reward."

"Huh," Tony said. He thought about this for a while. "I could probably weasel a lot of good tech out of Torchwood."

"I'm given to understand their coffee is also highly praised," Jarvis ventured. 

"Yeah, it didn't suck. Fine. I'll have Pepper set up a date for next week. You can go...port, and I'll have a drink with Harkness."

"I would advise against any attempts to reinitiate coitus," Jarvis said. "Mainframe seems very emphatic that nothing come between him and his current partner."

"Jarvis!" Tony tried to sound outraged. He probably just sounded disappointed. "I just gave you the keys to the car. _What_ do you say?"

"Thank you, Mr. Stark," Jarvis replied meekly. 

"That's right. Hey, order me a pizza when we hit California. Pepperoni, light on the sauce. And some of those garlic knot things for Pepper."

"Yes, sir," Jarvis said cheerfully, and Tony was almost sure he felt power increase to his boot jets.


End file.
